From The Centrifuge

A rare foray outside my comfort zone today, with an entry which attempts to convey my experience of the Rugby World Cup in New Zealand, or lack thereof, despite much marketing on the BBC website, from Guinness and from a NZ wine company that used that irritating piano-led diddly diddly dee song by an American named after a Vauxhall saloon. I managed to miss about 40 days worth of rugby due to commitments such as work, sleep and a beautiful baby boy, and frankly, didn’t feel left out or unduly upset by missing such entertaining contests as South Africa 87 - 0 Namibia or New Zealand 83 - 7 Japan . What Namibia can take from such a series of beatings is beyond me, and even if Japan can manage a creditable draw with a below par Canada they surely won’t be chucking up rugby union stadia with the same demented fervour that they prepared the country for their football World Cup bow. Nonetheless, infected by the rabid jingoism of friends, co-workers (both current and erstwhile) and random

Write what you know. What do I know? I made a list as follows: 1)       Cycling (only the actual moving part, not the mechanical aspects like repairing, or health and fitness and nutrition) 2)       Dogs (but again, only the experiential aspects of owning one – obligation, responsibility, tidying up etc) 3)       Babies (again with the tidying up and also general pulling-of-faces-to-entertain – although have just become proficient at swing-pushing) 4)       Pub football talk (no real understanding, just amassing huge amounts of random trivia and statistics to bedazzle other pundits with similar goals) 5)       Reading (often without understanding – inhabiting a role as a consumer of books) 6)       There is no number 6. Number 6 submerged beneath the rising tide of bleakness. As exercises go I have had more success losing weight with Suzanne Somers’ Thighmaster ™ . 

This year I experienced the dubious pleasure of knowing that I'd outlasted the corporeal incarnation of some one's Lord and Saviour, Jesus H Christ . This put me to thinking, that I could map my life against the lives and deaths of famous people; having already convincingly beaten such luminaries as Gram Parsons and Jimi Hendrix, I should create a series of short-term targets (short term being the only ones I can ever really achieve given that my attention span is shorter than 140 characters) against which to measure my lifespan. Every victory is valid, regardless of the intrinsically pointless or pyrrhic nature thereof.  So here it is, my guide to outliving the rich and famous. Well, not guide exactly, more a list of people about whom I can feel smug for having managed to not kill myself over a greater period of time. Which reminds me, I forgot to celebrate Sylvia Plath's death three years ago. I've already crossed out Jesus, so next stop - Charlie 'Birdman'

A few days ago I was planning to write an open letter to the council about cycling, cyclists, cycle paths and other things of the same etymological root due to the fact that I had two punctures inside a week of the student population returning to Cardiff and because the roads are so rough that the frame on which my child seat sits actually shakes so much when cycling that the child seat is perilously close to falling off – much tightening of bolts is required daily to the point that my hex key has removed even the idea of a hexagonal-shaped indent in the head of said bolts. We pay enough Council Tax and Road Tax that the least they could do is clear the glass and shrapnel from the cycle paths unless they just physically can’t, in which case an admission of ineptitude and a reduction in charges is in order. I sensibly decided against such a rant when, thanks to the fact that I have probably risen to the level of my own incompetence when it comes to all things manly and DIY-ish, I manage